Thursday, April 24, 2014

A happy, healthier me in 2014!

 So- that is me. The fat cheetah on the left. I don't generally allow myself to be photographed for any reason. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel (or felt) and the camera just makes it all worse. There are few occasions when I will allow my picture be taken....for anything that my kids accomplish (and want me in pics for), if the husband and I are at an important event (friends weddings are really the only time as far as this goes), and Halloween (I know, I know, weird, but it is the one time of the year that I get dressed up and go out....and I am usually too drunk to care LOL). 

I am a big girl. I have fought weight issues since my first child was born. I gain, I lose, I know how this goes. I have never been strict on myself when I say I am going to diet (which I do often). In general my diets have only last a few weeks. You see, I have a serious problem....I LOVE FOOD! Food makes me feel good. When I feel depressed I eat. I eat sweets and junk food and greasy food (comfort foods). 

A couple years ago we took family pictures at Christmas time, this is when it really hit me that I 

looked horrible. In a picture of just me and my daughter she has her hand on my belly....what looks like a pregnant belly! I almost died when I saw this picture. My stomach stuck out as far as my boobs! (and I have big boobs) That was when I got even more depressed. I gave up on caring how I looked, it was obvious. I felt fat, undesirable and just like crap. I kept saying I was going to do something about it, but I never did....until my physical this year.

No woman likes to step on a scale. Scales are a woman's arch enemy! But, being the masochist I am, I had to watch to see what my weight was....215 pounds! Are you kidding me???? I didn't even weigh that much 9 months pregnant (after gaining 50 pounds)! I had it. I was done. I didn't care what I had to do I was going to lose weight. Not just a little weight either, I WILL WEIGH NO MORE THAN 150! So it was time to get tough on myself. So with the help of my doctor I have come up with a weight loss plan. I have cut my calories (which I track religiously with My Fitness Pal), I have completely cut out soda, candy bars, fast food....pretty much all junk food, and I walk. I walk with my sister as many days a week as we can, 3-5 miles a day. I can have 1700 calories a day, and most days I fall well under that once my activities are deducted from it. I got 
This is me as of 3 days ago
 real strict March 1st, the day before my 36th birthday. Since then I have lost 21 pounds. I step on the scale once a week (sometimes more if I am feeling fat) and it makes me happy to see those numbers go down each week. I am well on track to meet my goal of 150 by July 31st. And I am finally feeling good about myself.


I smoke....I smoke A LOT! I have been smoking since I was 15. I know all the medical reasons why this is bad, I have just chosen to ignore them. My kids have asked me for years to quit, and still I didn't. (Let me just add here that I did quit smoking during my 3 pregnancies.) Every year I say I am going to quit, and every year I don't. Part of the reason I have continued to smoke is I have been afraid if I were to quit I would gain a ton of weight (remember... major weight issues). The other major reason is smoking is a stress release for me. There is just something about lighting up when I am pissed or stressed that just makes me feel better (I am sure it has something to do with the nicotine).

I finally decided to call the doctor and ask for a prescription of Chantix. I have heard many great things about the effectiveness of this drug, so I am giving it a try. No there is no medical reason for me to finally decide it was time, I am not sick, I am just ready to make ME a better person, a better mom. (Well there is one medical reason for me to middle son has Cystic Fibrosis. I should have quit 11 years ago when he was diagnosed).  So as of tomorrow, Friday April 24th, 2014, I will begin my journey to quit smoking....FOR GOOD!  This will not be an easy journey for me. I have smoked for more than 1/2 my life. But again, I am determined to make this happen. I am giving myself until December 31, 2014 to be done with cigarettes. It shouldn't take that long with the help of the Chantix, but I am giving myself 8 months to quit and NOT pick up another cigarette before I will actually consider myself a "non-smoker". (Be prepared for many ranting posts in this time     period, as I am
sure I am going to be quite bitchy).                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    GOAL #2: QUIT SMOKING BY DECEMBER 31ST, 2014
My next goal is a fun one. I am going to participate in a 5K! INSANE! I have often envied those that participate in events like this, but there was no way in hell I was going to be able to do them (I was 70 pounds over weight AND a smoker...does not equal being able to run). This morning I pre-registered for my first 5K, a Run or Die. The date for it hasn't been set yet, but I am hoping it isn't until at least August so I have time to get more in shape and train a little. Even if I can't run the entire time (I believe it just over 3 miles) I am participating to the best of my ability and I am going to LOVE it! (again DETERMINED)


My main goal this be happy. I want to be happy with myself and every part of my life. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of being hateful. I am tired of holding grudges and not forgiving, I am tired of regrets. I want to smile again. It has been so long since I have smiled a true, happy, content smile. I seriously can't remember a time since high school that I can say I was truly happy with every (or even most) part(s) of my life. It is time for me to love my life. Love every part of it that God has given me (even the parts that I despise). I want my kids to SEE me happy. I want them to KNOW what happiness is and I want them to BE happy. I don't want my kids to be miserable like me just because that is all they
have ever seen.                                                                                                                                                                                                   I am letting go of it all. Everything that has happened in the past is going to be put behind me. I am not going to wish I could change things anymore, nor am I going to wish I was young again. Life has thrown so many curve balls at me that at times I haven't known which way was up. I have let my past rule my present and future. I have held other peoples past mistakes against them for far too long.  I have held people to standards that were set when I was just a teenager. I have probably missed out on a lot of great friendships because of it.                                                                                                                                                                                                        At the same time, I have held my tongue when what I really needed to do was speak up. I have left much unsaid. I have missed opprotunities to tell people I love them. I have let people stay in my life instead of telling them to
leave it when I should have. Long ago I shut myself down, I decided to refuse to let anyone into my life, into my heart, for fear of being hurt. I don't want to be that person anymore. I have been angry and shut down and didn't let people know what was going on. I have been walked all over and just let it happen. NEVER AGAIN WILL I BE THAT PERSON! I am going to be that person who speaks her mind regardless of whether it will piss people off or not. I use to be that person....when I was young, before life knocked it out of me. It's time to let those I love and care about know it. It's time for me to tell some people in my life to just get lost, those people who bring me down and make me a worse person. I am done with those people. 

And the anger. God how I want to just let go of all the anger inside me. It has made me such a mean,
bitter, unhappy person. How can any one love the person that I am? How have they been able to stand by me and except me? Honestly, there are very few people in my life that have stuck by me through all my crazy shit. I have few friends from my high school days, and even fewer from my adulthood. I am lucky to have the people in my life that I have. I am lucky my husband has stuck by me for the past 15 years (and they have been HARD years). He may not be the most supportive person, but maybe that is just because I don't welcome his support most of the time. (Although, telling me I am beautiful and noticing physical changes would be awesome every once in a while) He is one of the people I need to forgive and let go of his past wrong doings, I need to allow us to move on from them. God that is hard, but it has to be done in order to move on.

WOW there was definitely a lot to that last goal. Who knew that when you decided that it was time to be happy again you would have to revisit the past for just a minute to forgive, forget and put it all behind you.

So there it is, laid out in black and white (well....purple, white and red). These are my goals for this year. No, I wont call them resolutions, because resolutions are made to be broken, goals are set to keep. And I am DETERMINED to follow through and keep these 4 simple goals I have set for myself this year.

Now that's what I call "putting it out there so I am held accountable".